Maintaining D/s When You’re Apart

N.B: This blog post was inspired an email from the Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet please do so, you can also check out the website for great resources and links on how to listen or follow on social media.

As we’ve established mine and Bakji’s D/s dynamic doesn’t formally extend into our everyday lives. However, as we don’t live together we do spend time apart regularly and in between seeing each there is a lot of relationship maintenance occurring. What we refer to as Relationship Engineering.

Some of the things that help us keep things ticking over while we are apart are Whatsapp, Instagram and Trello.

Whatsapp is our daily communication, Good Morning messages, Good Night messages and everything in between. I’m not quite sure I could manage a week without seeing Bakji without these daily interactions. I like knowing how he is doing each day, and catching up on how he’s getting on with his podcast tasks and being able to update him on my movements too.

Things do also get a little sexy on Whatsapp too. We often have conversations about what kinky things we might have coming up. When we have these conversations I will often assume my position of Supreme FemDom Ruler of Bakji’s Bum and remind him to say ‘please’ and question his commanding tone, even if he is asking for something good like to worship my bum. All of which is done in good humour and because it is sexy fun. If it wasn’t well received it wouldn’t happen.

Sometimes though our Whatsapp is on a more serious line of conversation, and that is necessary. It usually means we are discussing the podcast or making more detailed plans for travelling to events. In situations like this it’s nice to have other outlets to keep the sexy on the boil. This is where Instagram and Trello play their parts.

Instagram is brilliant for finding ideas for things we would like to try together, especially in terms of images containing Latex. We will often send each other images and ask what the other thinks of it, or check to see if that’s similar to what we may have discussed previously. This can be especially helpful if you couldn’t quite explain something as well as you’d like to have done.

We also send each other pictures of cats and kittens quite a lot too via Instagram. Which has nothing at all to do with D/s, but it’s worth mentioning because if you follow me on Instagram and see cute animal pictures feel free to send them to me. I particularly enjoy videos of them being daft or hugging.

Then comes Trello. Hot Diggidy, we do love Trello. A project management app turned into a sexy management app. We have a board for all our sexy ideas, thoughts and future plans. Some of them can be implemented instantly, some will take time to plan out. Trello has been our number one tool in discussing our kinks together, and it can definitely keep the fire burning when we are apart.

I know lots of other couple use telephone calls and Skype to keep their D/s dynamics and relationships kindled while they are apart, and while we have spoken on the phone a few times, we are usually pretty content with the written form of messaging. We do have a sexy Skype scene suggested for a future date, but we haven’t quite got round to doing it yet.

I think it is definitely important to find the ways of connecting that work for you, and it’s even more important to make it known that connecting and maintaining your relationship/dynamic is important to you too. We all have different needs and expectations for this kind of thing, and it can be easy to get frustrated if those needs aren’t being met. If one partner is content to Skype once a week though and the other would love a daily Good Morning text, someone is going to be bummed out and the other person will have no idea why.

I’m also a big believer in letting someone know if you’re pattern of communication will change. It takes no time at all to send a message letting someone know you will be unable to access your phone for part of the day. I think suddenly going incommunicado on someone when you’d usually be freely messaging them for example can actually be a bit mean. Some of us are natural-born worriers and will leap to all kinds of crazy conclusions. Letting us know you’re going to a business dinner, meeting friends or going on a date can ease a lot of worries that needn’t be present.

If you want to know a little bit more about how myself and Bakji manage our relationship you can listen to Episode 26 of #ProudToBeKinky, where we discuss Relationship Engineering and how we make it work for us.

My blog is now on Patreon, you can come and have a little look at that via You can also contact me by clicking on the new ‘Contact Floss’ page. Please feel to use that for any messages you might like to send.

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