N.B: This blog post was inspired an email from the Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet please do so, you can also check out the website for great resources and links on how to listen or follow on social media.
We’ve come to another subject that was a but of a turning point in me going ‘huh, maybe this submission thing isn’t for me’, I do not feel good about having rules laid out for me. They make me feel frustrated and a little bit pissed off in all honesty.
There are distinctions obviously, I don’t just run amok with no care for Bakji at all. There are appropriate ways to behave, and certain behaviours we expect from each, mostly they can be summed up by ‘be nice to each other, and don’t do shit things’.
When it comes down to more specific rules, that move out of scenes and into daily life, that is when I get a bit tetchy with them. Even though I understand why other people thrive on having rules in place, and in theory I find it quite appealing, but in reality it just fires something up in me that isn’t conducive to a healthy D/s relationship.
I don’t usually refer to myself as a Dominant, I can be Dominant but I am not currently a Dominant. However I think there is much higher chance of me filling that role than there is of me filling the role of being someone’s submissive. If that situation occurred then I would be much happier working with issuing the rules and guidelines, than I would be receiving them. Knowing that someone is receptive to and actively seeking those kinds behaviours in their D/s dynamic would make it something I would actively want to seek. There is something about making someone’s experience as a bottom/submissive as complete as possible that is far more appealing to me, than exploring someone’s desire to extend their Dominant side.
Within a scene things are different. When bottoming for Bakji I enjoy things taking a stronger D/s turn within play. I like to know exactly where I stand, or kneel as the case may be. Part of the dynamic Bakji I grew began with ‘Bunny Rules’. This was basically Bakji’s way of getting me to dress in what he wanted when we was tying me. Which was essentially Latex. It was a playful and fun way to play with rules though, and more importantly I enjoyed it.
Luckily for Bakji, I am a very well-behaved bottom. So when he’s got his Domly pants on he tells me how things are going to be, I damn well do as I’m told, which is a good job because Bakji isn’t a fan of bratty behaviour. Which goes to show that we are very different in approaches to both Topping and bottoming, because Bakji is great at bratting.
My whole foray in FemDom essentially took the turn it did because of Bakji’s brattiness. There I am trying to learn rope and all he is doing is being naughty, so I had to get strict and make his bratty bum behave. Which he does, for about 5 seconds. I give all kinds of rules when we play, no kissing, no talking, no moving, no breathing, you know the basic stuff. Bakji however is physically incapable of following them. You know what though, I love that.
For me the best part of rules is that they get to be broken. Broken rules mean punishment and dishing that out can sometimes be way more fun than having him obey me. Oh who am I kidding, they’re both really fun. A 50/50 mix of obedience and brattiness is probably my perfect scene.
I think my ability to withstand bratty behaviour would probably wane slightly if I were in a more everyday kind of dynamic, in that case I think I’d be much more of a hard-ass, unless there were mitigating circumstances of course, I’m not a total monster. Although I am told I have a monstrous FemDom ego once scenes are underway, but I’m pretty sure that a good thing.
Again I know this isn’t a strict approach to D/s, and many of my posts in response the ‘30 Days of D/s’ emails haven’t been. The reason I’m still writing about them though is because so many people join the scene and feel like they ‘should do’ this, or ‘have to’ do that, and that simply isn’t true.
My D/s might not be your D/s but to me it is still a D/s dynamic. When Bakji and I are in scene together, I am fully present and fully embodying that side of myself. I don’t think our experiences are less than anyone else just because we don’t follow daily protocols, our experiences are simply different, and that’s a great thing, because if we were all the same there’d really be no point in blogs or podcasts, because everyone would have the same knowledge and experiences, and it’s sharing the differences that makes this fun.
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