30 Days of D/s / bdsm / Consent / D/s / podcasts / Relationships

Talking About Kink To A Vanilla Partner

N.B: This blog post was inspired an email from the Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet please do so, you can also check out the website for great resources and links on how to listen or follow on social media.


I did not get this right. Not at all. I also see people getting it wrong all the time. So many messages on Reddit, Fetlife, Lovehoney etc, the main theme of them being, ‘how can I get partner to do x, y or z with me.’ Hint: You don’t. You ask, you talk, you explore with consent. You don’t plot and scheme ways to coerce and wear a partner down until they say yes. Whether your kink is anal sex or bondage.

If you are kinky, and to your knowledge your partner isn’t then please tread carefully. Remember that you’ve had time to think about these things, your partner has not, they will need time to process, time to decide and time to learn, if they wish to experiment with you. Have resources at hand that they can look to for initial answers, and be willing to answer all their questions, even the ones that might hurt a bit.

Be willing to compromise and start slow. You may well have a whole scene planned in your head, where you partner is Dominant, taking full control, restraining you, spanking you, using toys on you, perhaps you fancy some humiliation or sensory deprivation, that is a lot to process for someone who identifies as not kinky. They might however be willing to do some light bondage while teasing you with a vibrator. Don’t be disappointed that it isn’t everything at once, be grateful they are willing to try.

I’m not proud of the fact that when I realised I was kinky I just assumed my partner at the time would be into it as well. He wasn’t, at all. He tried, and some things went fairly well, some things left me feeling a bit icky afterwards. He was very sweet to try though, and I don’t for one second blame him for not getting into it. Kink is not his thing. I do however wish I’d been more gentle with asking for and introducing kink. As it turns out that relationship is no longer going, and we are still great friends. I wish I’d understood though how jarring it is to have a partner suddenly drop the kink bomb on you.

You may have been with the partner you are sharing with for a month, a year or a decade. You may have a thriving sexual relationship and you might be planning for a blooming future together. This does not mean they owe you your chance to get kinky though. If they aren’t into it and don’t want to do it, you can’t force them and you shouldn’t want to. Their enthusiastic consent is paramount, whether it’s for a spanking or a sexual act.

My next opinion might not be popular, but I truly believe that if you are so kinky you can’t imagine living your life without it, and your partner is not kinky and doesn’t really want to be. Instead of figuring out how we can coerce them into it, we should be figuring out how we can part ways with the least amount of destruction and heartbreak possible. I know that this hurts, I know it’s hard to make these decisions, and I know because I did it. It is not fair to anyone though to live a life that may end ultimately in resentment. Whatever the issue is that might cause that. I’m not saying this is the solution for every person, but it will be the solution for some people, like it was for me. We should not be shamed if this is our choice.

If however you have a non-kink partner who is eager to explore with you, brilliant. Do let them take things at their own pace though and be prepared that they might discover kinks of their own that you weren’t prepared for. Even if they discover that they had a kinky side after all, there’s no saying that your kinks will align. Kinks are many and varied, and the ones we are into can take us by surprise.

When it comes specifically to D/s, if you harbour ideas of high protocol or a 24/7 D/s dynamic, again this will not happen overnight, even if your partner is up for giving it a go. I would highly recommend getting our onto your local scene and meeting people who have similar dynamics, online communities offer a huge amount of support and resources too. Signing up for something similar to 30 Days of D/s is great you can both talk through what each topic means to you and identify what might be most important to you both in a D/s dynamic.

It would also be remiss of me to recommend checking out some podcasts. Part of why we started #ProudToBeKinky was not only for kinksters looking to get information on how to get out and about to make friends within the community, but also to make it accessible and friendly for those who are kink curious. Other podcasts like Loving BDSM are great for learning about a more specific dynamic, and again they are not going to be terrifying to someone who is simply curious and looking to learn.

Don’t run before you walk though, and don’t be angry with yourself or each other if you make mistakes. Whether that is in terms of D/s or general kink activities. When you’re learning things might go wrong, or certain things might not be a good fit. If you keep talking to each other though and being honest about what is going well and what isn’t feeling so great, over time you should find your own rhythm and you own way of doing things.

At the end of the day though many, many people are not kinky and that is 100% okay. As much I support people and their desire to get their kink on, I also support people and their desire to get their vanilla on. I used ‘vanilla’ in the title of the post, but there’s a reason I didn’t use it throughout the blog post. I try really hard to not use it in what could come off as ‘ugh, vanilla, how crap’, which does unfortunately happen sometimes in the kink community. Vanilla is valid, and it’s yummy and no one should be shamed for not being kinky. Someone might not be full on kinky, but they might well be vanilla with chocolate sprinkles and that can be a lot of fun too.

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