Yet another blog post inspired by a douchebag message to my inbox. I think this is becoming such a regular occurrence it will need it’s own tag and category! I’m thinking of using ‘Messages from the Minds of Morons’.
As you will all know by now, I do a podcast. I am very proud of #ProudToBeKinky, and I absolutely love how well it has been received. Another thing I showcase regularly on both Instagram and Fetlife is my body, I’m not entirely sure why. It just seems like a little bit of fun, plus why shouldn’t I be able to share sexy lingerie and Latex with people who appreciate them.
I’m also not adverse to people making nice compliments about the things I share. Comments about the podcast and my blog are likely to engage me in conversation, because they are good talking points. It also usually means we will have some common interests, or it may mean you are looking for further information, which I am happy to provide if I can.
Comments on my body, and the pictures I take are also nice, if they are actually respectful and accurate. I got a message this week that had me raging, and yes at this point you should be aware that if you send me a douchebag message I’m going to share it with anyone who reads my blog. Disclaimer: I will never share private messages between me and lovely people, you are all wonderful and I like you lots.
The content of this particular message:
I’m sure I should say something nice about the podcasts but having just looked at your pics I have an urge to ask whether I should be rough or soft… you look so delicate!
Yes, he should have said something nice about the podcast. Then he would have got a nice reply, and a shot at actually engaging me in conversation. I also feel he doesn’t actually have very good hearing, because if he’s listened to the podcast, there’s a really good chance he’s heard both myself and Bakji talk about how messages like this do not work. Add that to the fact I’m guessing most people have figured out I’m really into Bakji, what makes this dude think he’s in with a chance?
The thing that riled me more than that though was ‘you look so delicate’. Fuck you man! Absolutely 100% fuck you. I don’t know if this is meant to be a compliment, but it’s not. I’m not a delicate little flower that big strong men have to be careful with. I’m willing to bet I’ve been roughed up (consensual and sexy roughing up that is) by bigger and better men than whoever typed this message. More than that, I’ve probably roughed up men bigger and better than him too.
My Fetlife profile may say Switch, but I am proud of the strong, Dominate side of myself, both in and out of kink. Yes I’m slender, and not overly muscular, but I don’t need those things to be Dominant. Power is about size and strength. I don’t need to over power Bakji with physical force, because I can seduce and coerce him with my words and my body. I’ve got what he wants and I know how to use that during our D/s sessions to make him pliable and powerless.
My body and my mind have been through things that only strength can get you through. I haven’t survived and come through things as a well-rounded human being by being delicate. I’ve survived by being strong, fearless and determined.
That isn’t to say I’m hard and impenetrable. I’m not. I have a soft and nurturing side, for people I love and care about. Friends, family and lovers alike. You rule yourself out of being any of those things though by being a moron who cannot understand that we are all multifaceted and that no one should be judged on looks alone.
I should also address the number one thing that infuriates me about messages like this, ‘..whether I should be…’. Oh you don’t need to worry about what you should do, because you don’t get to assume power or play with me. You have nothing I want, therefore you have no way to lure me in. For me to give up my control, even for the briefest of moments, you need to have something I want badly. These days what I want is power, and control, and maybe a little bit of worship, none of those thing really play into the hands of someone who assumes dominance.
I ignore these messages, in the sense that I don’t reply to them. The only reason they get attention here is because I want people to learn that just because we are scantily clad on social media, does not mean we are public property. Just because you are sat safely behind your keyboard and your question mark profile picture, does not mean you should just say whatever the hell you like. How about you pull your head out of your arse, and think for one moment about the prospect of being an engaging, decent human being, and see how that might work out for you.
I know it is possible for people to be respectful, because many people manage it every single day. Sometimes people are a little flirtatious, and that’s okay too, because it’s actually possible to be flirtatious and respectful. Compliments can also be given without being gross.
Another reason I will continue to rant about this subject is because I know plenty of people who find it liberating to share images of their own body, and I don’t see why they should be subjected to messages that make them feel uncomfortable or in my case pissed off, just because ‘well, you did put yourself out there’. Really? Do we honestly think that’s a good argument. Do we suddenly lose all rights to be treated with common decency just because we have a bit of an exhibitionist within us? Hell no people! That is not how we roll in this community!