N.B: This blog post was inspired by an email from the Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet please do so, you can also check out the website for great resources and links on how to listen or follow on social media.
I think for me this was one of the stumbling blocks to me embracing a more protocol based style of D/s. Don’t get me wrong I love ‘funishment’ but actual disciple and punishment? No thank you. I in no way want to receive this.
I absolutely, 100% get why other people include this in their dynamic and I see how well they can complement other parts of D/s. For me though they are really not compatible with how my mind works.
In one previous dalliance I was briefly involved with someone who thought they were able to dole out punishments, despite not negotiating that with me, hence my hardline on negotiations mentioned in my previous post. One of the worst things they ever did to me was ignore me for not being ‘enthusiastic enough’ about something they suggested, despite it being something I didn’t want and it being something they told me they couldn’t offer. It was basically just an opportunity to mindfuck me.
I realised in that moment that being ignored would become a hard limit and that I no longer trusted or respected that person.
If I do something to upset someone or disappoint them, or if I broke an agreement or made any other kind of mistake. No punishment anyone else could give me would ever make me feel more remorse than the telling off I will give myself. My ability to chastise and punish myself is well practiced and a little too effective sometimes.
What I need is not someone to punish or discipline me, but someone to remind me we all make mistakes and that sometimes we need to make amends, forgive ourselves and move on.
I struggle to let go of the errors I’ve made, even now I have a small list of past mistakes that I give myself a hard time about. For me discipline and punishment would highlight and reinforce the fact that sometimes I can behave in a way I shouldn’t. I would remember each punishment long after it had happened, and it would weigh on me heavily, a constant reminder of when I did ‘x, y or z’ wrong. I appreciate for some people this would provide a useful function, but for me it would just send me into a negative spiral of thoughts that would hugely impact my everyday mental health in a way I cannot under any circumstances be reckless with.
It is knowing all those things about myself that means for me as a submissive this is definitely a hard limit for me. As a Dominant, it would very much depend on the submissive involved. I am open to offering discipline and punishment in the right situation and dynamic, with the right information at my fingertips.
That doesn’t mean however that I’m not partial to my own dose of funishment, if Bakji was Topping me and told me not to move for example, and I did and due to this he decided to ‘punish’ me with whatever method he saw fit, I would absolutely be on board with this. In part though because I know him, and trust him to deal with that scenario in a sexy and appropriate manner.
When I’m Topping Bakji it’s funishment all the way, and a little bit of in scene discipline now and again, which is part of why I enjoy his tendency to brat. He brats and goads, I ‘punish’ him with things I know full well he enjoys. This works well for us though, and is really as far as it goes at the moment. However, Bakji can be a very unruly bottom at times, so we might have to take the in scene discipline up a notch or two.