N.B: This blog post was inspired by an email from the Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet please do so, you can also check out the website for great resources and links on how to listen or follow on social media.
I’ve written a couple of things about labels before, Debauched Dyamics & Letting Go of Labels and Licentious Labels & Being a Kinky Nomad! As you can see my kink label has definitely evolved a lot since I first joined the community. After a long time of stubbornly not having a kink label, I did finally select one on Fetlife and I went for Switch. It terms of D/s play this is, for the most part, accurate. I still feel like I mostly choose and use labels for other people though. Which is how I felt when I’d tell people I was bisexual. I’m just me, I don’t find the ability to identify myself as a bisexual switch remotely enhances any of the connections I make with people.
I do understand why people use and embrace the labels that suit them though, and I am not wanting to diminish that at all. I understand that some people have had to fight for the right to use their chosen label without persecution, or that there are some people who love to be open about what their label means to them but for many reasons can’t be. I will also support and champion anyone who is an advocate for their label of choice.
For me I think my ambivalence about my own labels is due to them always being something that people see as on the fence. My bisexuality has always been met with ‘when will just admit you’re gay’? Or ‘oh, are you straight now?’ The lack of understanding about bisexuality being a valid and honest description of my sexuality made me feel like there was no point in using it a way to explain myself. I think being a Switch is often met with the same kinds of responses. People often just ignore you can enjoy both facets of D/s and just put you into the box that suits them. It can be frustrating, and can again make you feel reluctant to own your label and run with it.
As for titles, well they’re not currently something we use at all. Not even the regular ones people use when they’re not kinky. I thought I’d get to a point where this would bother me, that eventually I’d want some sort of special title to make me and my feelings feel validated. The longer I spend with Bakji the though, the less important this feels.
We’ve discussed the use of honorifics in scene a few times. When I was doing the subbing in our early days they were pretty much a no go. There just wasn’t anything that seemed to fit, and I never fancied doing something like that just for the sake of it. If isn’t going to enhance a scene then there doesn’t seem much point to it. Plus the thought of certain words coming out of my mouth just makes me want to burst out laughing. Again, other people using them, brilliant, in fact hearing other people use their chosen titles is one of the things I enjoy about the kink scene, it’s usually very endearing and sometimes it’s a little bit hot.
Now though, I would be the one on the receiving end of any titles used, and early on in the foray into FemDom I thought that wasn’t for me, but over a year down the line maybe my mind is shifting. I would say I’d still be an in scene only kind of girl, but let’s be honest, if Bakji decided that calling me Goddess on a daily basis was his new desire I probably wouldn’t shoot him down in flames for doing so. Who wouldn’t love to be reminded of that status on a regular basis.
However that said, we’ve yet to find the right moment to work honorifics into our scenes. I’d say it’s definitely on the list of things to include. With Goddess being the mutually approved title of choice. Which fits in well with the fact I am a big fan of being worshipped, it all ties in together rather nicely.
Another title I feel quite an affinity to is Queen. I quite often use it when writing because it helps me make certain points rather well. For example when talking about Facesitting, I’ve explained how it makes me feel like the Queen of everything. Bakji’s face becomes the best throne in the world and sitting there makes me feel powerful, strong and ready to take on the world. I’m not quite sure I could imagine Bakji using it in scene though, but you never know, stranger things have definitely happened.
I think this is definitely an evolving part of my kink, and it will be interesting to see how changes over time. Watch this space for future updates.