N.B: This blog post was inspired by an email from the Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet please do so, you can also check out the website for great resources and links on how to listen or follow on social media.
As I said in my post Dominance – What Does It Mean To Me, when I first joined the kink community I identified as submissive. My logic here was a little off, but with a lack of knowledge and experience I really just made assumptions about myself. What I knew was that I enjoyed being sexually submissive, particularly with men, admittedly less so with women. I also knew that I had a blossoming interest in kink, I put the two together and reasoned that I would also enjoy being a submissive in the BDSM sense.
When I first looked through the majority of posts and images I came across on Fetlife, I was faced with a barrage of high protocol D/s dynamics, with a lot of ‘one true way-ism’ thrown in for good measure. I did do my best to find out what submission meant to me though, I didn’t just assume their way would work for me. I researched what it might mean to be a submissive, I thought about the physical actions I might enjoy and I envisaged the the head spaces I might enter into. Bizarrely I was really good at the imagining part of submission, I wrote a series of erotica that had people messaging me almost daily. Mostly submissives telling me how they identified with my story, and how they felt very similar about their own Dom, usually with aview to conversing about our shared experiences. When I confessed I actually had no experience as a submissive they were usually quite surprised.
I did eventually play as a submissive, and my experiences are mixed, but overall I felt confused and a bit lost. It wasn’t satisfying me in the way I thought it would. I found that I didn’t actually like being given instructions outside of a scene. I didn’t want to explain, again, that I couldn’t carry out ‘x, y or z’ because I was actually in parent mode. That even the expectation I could take time out to send sexually explicit texts was sometimes too much for me.
When I discovered rope and being a rope bunny, I actually found some sort of reprieve. I was about to take submission off the table, and just focus on being a bottom, which was actually a lot more comfortable for me. When I then started playing with Bakji, he did in fact draw a level of submission out of me that I felt comfortable with. While in scene it felt like everything, it was all consuming and deep rooted, when we we spending time together not in scene he asked nothing of me. Except for out bunny rules of course, which were a fun way for him to get me all dressed up in my Latex when we did rope together.
What I discovered is that my submission has limitations, and it always will have, because essentially it’s not at the core of who I am. I was trying and fighting to be something that I’m not. I love to bottom for things like rope and impact play, and I’m definitely a masochist but those things are not the same as being a submissive.
There were a few moments when I started Topping Bakji that made made me appreciate his submission more than my own, one was facesitting and one was his subspace. I don’t if it was the first time we did facesitting or just the first time it was truly awesome, but there was a part of my brain that was going ‘Yes, this! This is what it’s all about!’ The feeling in that moment was the most perfect high. With the subspace experience we were at an event that allows for you to try various equipment, and we popped Bakji in this neck corset, and the effect was instant. His eyes glazed over, he was pliable, he was subby and I was elated.
The pure sense of excitable happiness I got from these experiences was something I never quite got from my own experiences of subbing/bottoming. Don’t get me wrong I enjoyed many of my experiences, especially the ones with Bakji and all the times I was ever in rope. None them gave me that same consistent rush though. Every single time I have ever topped Bakji it has always been that same giddy high, it ever seems to get old.
For me, submission is a privilege, to be able to play with someone when they are vulnerable, in terms of being restrained or deep in subspace is a pretty big deal. Especially when you’re sitting on their face and it’s up to you whether or not they get to breathe again. Submission for me is also permission, and I don’t mean in a consent kind of way, but permission for me to leave my worries and my day to day stuff at the door and just be a goddamn Queen for as long as we are playing. It’s also an invitation, I feel like when we started exploring FemDom at the very beginning Bakji offered me small glimpses of what his subby side was like, I was invited to join him and enjoy with him, to explore and evolve alongside him. What I wasn’t invited to do was judge him, impose my own preconceived notions on him or try and force him into my own idea of what a submissive should be. All of which I experienced and I promised myself when I got the switchy itch I’d never do that to someone who was prepared to open up to me about their desires.
Submission was my draw into kink, and I love it more than I ever imagined I would, and even more surprisingly I love it even more from the opposite side of the slash. Submission means something to me I never thought it would, it means I get to be the Dominant one.