N.B: This blog post was inspired by the first email from the Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet please do so, you can also check out the website for great resources and links on how to listen or follow on social media.
I’m one of those Switchy folk, and maybe a Switch who leans more towards Top and bottom than Dominant and submissive, if we are to be pernickety about it. However that doesn’t mean I don’t have thoughts about what Dominance means to me. It’s been a big learning curve for me, on both sides of the slash, this post though is all about the big D.
When I first joined Fetlife, all the Kinky & Popular posts and pictures seemed to be depicting just one type of D/s. It was very structured, protocol based style of D/s. At the time I was identifying as submissive on Fetlife, in part due to be sexually submissive, in my inexperience I thought this would equate to being a submissive in the BDSM sense of the word. More on that in another blog post though.
Having been submerged in FemDom play for over a year now, what Dominance means to me is definitely coming from the Dominant side of me, which feels like less of side these days and more of a massive percentage. However while I am mostly going to reflect on my own Dominance, I feel like it’s worth noting that I found my Dominant side through subbing for Bakji. It was his casual, fun and lighthearted approach to D/s that gave me the space to think about what I wanted for myself, and it was his kind, caring and supportive nature that made me feel safe enough to explore new things. So I am very grateful for the Dominant side of his Switch identity, because that is where our journey together began.
For me, finding that I can enjoy being Dominant has been freeing and liberating in a way nothing else has been. For maybe the first time in my life I truly identified moments where I felt sexy. The kind of sexy that has power and confidence behind it. I’m not the most curvaceous of women. I always thought that was why I didn’t feel ‘womanly’ and ‘sexy’. I thought bigger boobs, or a more hourglass figure would solve my problem. Actually what I needed was to find my own kind of sexy, and FemDom has done that for me.
It’s also fun. Possibly the most fun I’ve ever had. When I’m mid-scene and Top-space has descended, I feel truly elated. I can feel my body buzzing and my mind focusing, and I just never want it to end. It is truly a glorious feeling. There’s even more to love about it when you factor in the depth of connection is has helped me forge with Bakji, something I don’t think would have occurred in the same way without these FemDom explorations. How I see him through the prism of the Dominance I wield over him during our scenes, has made my affection and appreciation for him grow.
For me Dominance is about connecting, it’s about going deeper with someone, it’s about exploring, and learning. It’s about baring all and being brave, in a masks off, souls bared kind of way. Dominance is freedom, freedom to be unashamed of desires that might to those outside of the scene seem warped or weird.
There were many occasions before I met Bakji where I concluded I didn’t fit the right criteria to be a Domme, in essence the feedback I got was that I wasn’t Mistress like. My opinion on that now? What a load of bollocks! You don’t need to be the vision of the stereotypical Dominatrix to be a Domme. I’ve done scenes in full Latex and skyscraper heels, I’ve also done them in Primark leggings and a Harry Potter t-shirt. The result was the same both times, I had a subby puddle of gorgeous Bakji to play with. While I love how playing around with outfits can enhance our scenes, they do not make the scene.
The same can be said of behaviours, there isn’t a list of must say words, must do actions or must have kinks you need to engage in to be a Dominant. Yes a lot of Dominants will also be Sadists, or into impact play, if you’re not though? You can still be a Dominant. I often felt like I needed to develop some sort of fake persona to successfully pull of being a Domme, playing with Bakji has made me understand though that I can be more myself when being Dominant. I can let parts of me that often lie dormant run wild and play freely, and if someone doesn’t enjoy me in that capacity then that’s on them.
Within my relationship with Bakji we really only do in scene Domination, we don’t have a D/s dynamic outside of play. While for some people that might not be seen as ‘proper’ D/s, for us it’s a great balance. It also doesn’t make our scenes feel ‘less than’ just because we don’t have protocols to follow in day to day life.
What matters to me is how we feel in the moments where he is all mine, and his will is reduced to ashes and everything I say goes. In those moments my Dominance is fucking awesome, and it makes me feel alive, and it makes me embrace all the wonderfully sexy, sensual and wicked things I can do to Bakji while he is all subby. So what does Dominance mean to me? It means I get to make a sexy man jizz everywhere, and that my friends is a beautiful thing.