I received a message recently, that I initially disregarded, but for some reason it kept creeping back into my mind, which clearly means I need to vent about it. A summarised version of the message is as follows:
… I have a random question for you but totally legit. I have a female submissive and she wants to be trained by another female on how to be a good sub for another woman but also wants the experience of being a slut for that woman. Could you help at all and this doesn’t involve any play with me what so ever or for me to be there either …
This message is from a male, who doesn’t have any relationships listed on his Fetlife profile. Now don’t get me wrong, I know this isn’t a must, and doesn’t always represent relationships exactly as they are, however I’d imagine that having that present when sending messages like the one above would help validate what you are saying. Although his message does say it’s legit, which means it must be, right?
If only that were my only issue with this message. Unfortunately not though, there is so much wrong with this message to my mind that I’m hard pressed to know where to begin.
Let’s start with the main word that grates on me, ‘training’. As always I have no issues if other people like to use this terminology, or choose to train their submissives. This is not a ‘you’re wrong’, it’s just my personal preference, which granted the writer of the message is not to know. That said I do thinking ‘training’ is a very personal thing, and asking it of a stranger is a tiny bit sketchy.
On a personal level I really am not into the notion of ‘training’ people. I personally think that what is happening when people discuss training, is learning one person’s preferences, which we do in all relationships, not just kink dynamics. I don’t find the notion of training someone sexy at all, and the notion of being trained makes me feel a bit rageful. Thankfully no one has messaged about that in a long while.
As always there are exceptions to my own rules, if we’re talking about pet play, and someone I’m playing with is into being trained to be a good puppy/kitten, and our scenes were tailored to involve this, then I can definitely see that being fun and sexy.
Personal preferences and thoughts aside, let’s pretend I was in the market for training a female submissive, how on earth am I meant to train her to serve another woman? Who is this other woman? What are her preferences? Is she a sadist? Is she into humiliation? Does she do rope too? I mean honestly, what the fuck? It makes no sense.
What if I work really hard with this elusive submissive so that she learns to enjoy and endure pain, only to be sending her off to someone who finds the idea of hurting someone, even in a kinky way totally abhorrent. What use is that?
Or we could spends days, weeks, months, even years working on her rope bunnying skills. We could work on her flexibility and her communication as a bunny, we could identify all the ties she loves and the ones she absolutely cannot abide, only to discover this new Domme has no interest in rope at all.
The list of what if’s, like above, are endless. Dominant women are not all cut from the same cloth. What I enjoy in my FemDom scenes might be at best be of no interest to other women and at worst, totally repulsive
There’s also the fact that if I was putting all this effort into ‘training’ someone to be the best, most sluttiest, most awesome submissive ever, why on earth would I then give her away to someone else? Surely I’d want to keep her for myself? I can only assume that we’d develop some sort of bond after all the time I’ve invested into her. What do I get out of just passing her on?
There’s also the fact that most of that above paragraph was actually a little bit repugnant to write. I get why people have the desire to own or be owned, I absolutely understand both the erotic appeal and the comfort appeal. I also know though that most people who own a submissive, treasure them. They are not just pawns to be passed round from Dominant to Dominant as we see fit, they are, shock horror, human beings. With their own desires and needs, they have feelings and thoughts of their own and that would matter to me.
There is a reason my blog posts haven’t included any girl on girl yet. While there are reasons that aren’t relevant to the post, the reason that is very relevant to this post is connection and attraction. To play with someone I need to meet them, get to know them, have a mutual attraction and then I’ll play with them. I’m not the speediest of movers, which means I do miss my chance sometimes, but you know what? I’m good with that. I like to be sure about people, I like to get to know people, and more importantly I like people to get to know me. So that when we do play together I know they are playing with me because of me, and not because I fill a quota of their kink checklist.
The chances of me ever engaging in any level of activity with someone based on someone else initiating that first contact is pretty minimal. I’m a grown woman, and I like to engage with other grown-ups. If you can’t start a conversation with me yourself, then the chances of us hitting it off are virtually non-existent. If this submissive he speaks of has a desire to be mentored, which again I absolutely understand and would actually consider doing should the right person ever come along and want that from me, then why isn’t she messaging me? Why am I not hearing from her, what she wants, because honestly that is far more important to me than what someone neither of us are playing with wants.
I love playing with other ladies, it’s super hot, but I want to play with them on my terms, and theirs. I want the moments I am playing with them to be about what we both enjoy together, I don’t want anyone else to come into that equation to be honest. I can’t think of anything less sexy than wondering if I’m getting the right responses out of someone for someone else. I want the responses I want and when in Domme mode what I want really fucking matters. What other Domme’s want, or what onlookers want, or what wanky man sat in the corner wants, matters to me very little, in fact I give zero shits about any of them. All I care about is my desires and the desires of the person I’m playing with. Whether it’s rope play, sexual play, or any other kind of kinky shenanigans.
So, to summarise, random men please don’t try to give me women who have no voice of their own. Even better use your ‘oh so Domly ways’ to guide them into forging friendships and dynamics on their own, and for the love of God please don’t use bullshit messages like this to try and engage me in conversations, because spoiler alert, I just rant about them here and don’t actually reply.
**Disclaimer: I reply to all genuine messages, and rarely decline the offer of a genuine friendship, and I am more than happy to give both women and men new to the scene any information I can on how they can best learn the kink skills they feel they require.