bdsm / D/s / Femdom / fetish / kink / Relationships / sex / submission / Topping

There’s More To BDSM Than The D/s

Throughout any given week across my various platforms on social media, I get sent a variety of messages. I would say 90% are about my D/s status. ‘Are you a Dominant or a submissive?’ Now first all it says on any profile that allows me space to say so that I am a Switch, so my first reaction is always the internal scream of ‘read my goddamn profile’! My second reaction and the one I actually send is that I am in fact neither.

There seems to be some strange wiring in many people’s brains that makes the phrase BDSM equate to D/s only. Which is strange considering there are two other letters present in that acronym. Granted D/s is part of that, and probably for many people it is the part they identify with the most. For me though it’s probably the part I identify with the least.

When I joined the scene, my limited knowledge led me to identify as submissive. My reason being that without kink to explore I had always been sexually submissive. The majority of the time while engaging in non-kinky sex I wanted to be the bottom. This is still the case. If Bakji and I are engaging in sexual activity with no kink then I want him to be in charge. However, throw kink into the mix and things change a whole lot.

Even before I started to explore my Toppy inclinations, I realised that being submissive in the sense of being someone’s submissive, being owned, being in service, just wasn’t giving me the spark I’d imagined it would. For me this is either the sort of thing you’re enthusiastically able to do or it’s not, I didn’t want to half arsed sessions of subbing for someone, for neither I or them to truly get anything out of it.

When I started bottoming for Bakji this perhaps shifted a little, something definitely stirred inside me that was more akin to submission. In hindsight though and from the feelings I’ve identified while Topping Bakji, it’s actually less a feeling of submission and more one of unrestrained adoration. It’s a feeling that bursts forth and envelopes me post scene, it’s all consuming and uncontrollable, and seems to amplify whatever power exchange has just taken place.

I soon realised that my curiosity to explore Bakji’s own desire to sub was fastly moving into switch territory. Once we started exploring that between us it became quite clear that it wasn’t something I just enjoy, but Topping was something I loved. Yet I’d never really class myself as a Domme. Yes I am often Dominant, and I think I’ve earned my right to request an Honorific in scene should that be my desire. I don’t identify as a Domme though. Just how I don’t identify with the other side of the slash either.

I am comfortable and happy being a Switch. I love to Top. So much. It’s like an addiction, it gives me and unbeatable high and a the biggest adrenaline rush. There are also things I really enjoy as a bottom. Rope and impact play probably being the two things that spring to mind. I also enjoy being sadistic, and I have a masochist in me that is probably more prominent than the bottom in me.

Often when I explain this to people they still go, ‘yeah but are you Dom or sub’. So I have this Public Service Announcement for all the people who can’t see past Dominance and submission as the only way to do BDSM or kink!

You do not, I repeat do not, have to identify as a Dominant or a submissive to enjoy BDSM or Kink or Fetish. Hell, you can never even try D/s and still be into BDSM, Kink and/or Fetish. Dominance and submission is part of those things, it is not the be all and end all of those things.

Now for anyone who wants to point out that to engage in most BDSM activities there will be some kind of power exchange. Some kind of agreement for one person to be in charge of what the other other person is receiving. This is not D/s though. Me agreeing for a person to spank me does not make them my Dom for that scene, and certainly does not given ongoing permission to Top me. Giving in to a spanking does not a submissive make.

Nearly anyone who is involved in a D/s relationship will tell you that it’s about more than the physical acts, it’s about connection, and emotion, it’s as much, if not more about heart and mind than it is about physical control. It’s one of the reasons messages from strangers offering to be someone’s Dom or sub are so misguided. As well as the assumption that the person you are addressing is even into those things. 

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. If someone catches your eye online and you’d like to engage in a conversation with them, then read their profile. Engage with them on equal footing, try to remember they are a human being not just a kink label and please do not assume that every person who states they are kinky, or has an interest in BDSM will fall into the category of enjoying D/s play or lifestyle. 

 

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