I think I’ve covered this before, it seems however some topics just can’t be covered enough. Maybe my true message was lost between too much rambling, so I’m going to have a mini rant again.
**Once again I am using Cisgendered Heteronormative pronouns, because CisHet guys you are the only people as yet to be guilty of this in my inbox.
So you’ve seen someone catch you eye on Fetlife, Social Media or another outlet. You think you’d like to chat to that person, you probably also find them physically attractive and your imagination may have run away with thoughts of what it would be like to play with them. So far, so good. I’ll admit to having had people catch my eye in this way myself.
Do you know when it all goes wrong though? When you decide to use your penis to write a message! I don’t mean physically, please no one tell me you are actually typing with your dicks, although in some cases that would account for some serious spelling and grammar issues. What I do mean though, is common sense and common decency are entirely forgotten, on the off chance your message might result in some action for your penile friend!
If you expect a nice reply from someone, send a nice message. Show you’ve read their profile. This includes noting whether or not they have a partner, and whether or not they are looking for an additional partner or any partner at all.
All of the following are paraphrased version of messages I’ve received and all of them drive me nuts:
- ‘Hi. How are you?’ If I don’t know you, this is way too vague and random for me. Plus think about how many other people might send this too! I’m not going to answer that same question ten times over every day.
- ‘I have *insert fetish* fantasies.’ Would love to chat to you about them?’ Really, how nice for you. So I get to talk to you about your fetishes? What the hell is in that for me? Nothing that’s what. Especially when half the time they aren’t even fetishes I enjoy.
- ‘I see you’re into *insert fetish* I can help with that. Message me.’ Er … do you know who else can help with that? My partner, funny that! And if he couldn’t I would pick a friend over a stranger for kinky play any day of the week.
- Any message that assumes my submission. No. Just no. This just shows me that person doesn’t understand the subtleties of D/s. Or human interaction for that matter.
- Any messages that assumes anything. Seriously you don’t know me, unless you know me. Fetlife, Instagram, it’s all just words and pictures. It’s a small percentage of who I am as a person. Making judgements on that small portion of me is just dumb. Especially when they’re shitty assumptions.
- Dick Pic – Gross. Block.
I know this will prompt some people to ask the following questions:
- Why use these sites if the reactions you get annoy you so much?
- Why share sexy pictures if you don’t want people to respond in a sexy way?
First of all, not all of the responses I get annoy me. Most people can express their appreciation of my pictures or writing in a lovely, polite and friendly manner, that makes me really grateful for their message. It’s actually really fun to connect with people online, from different countries and different walks of life. I enjoy people, what I don’t enjoy is morons and douchebags.
There’s also a massive difference between approaching someone to say you think they have gorgeous pictures, or a nice body and getting in touch because you think they can fulfill your desires. Very few women, put their pictures on places like Fetlife or Instagram as an advert. We do it for many reasons, but that is very rarely one of them. For some women it’s about acceptance of our own bodies, for some it’s liberating, for some it’s just a giggle and yes maybe in some way it’s about validation. That however can be offered without being sleazy and expectant.
Then there’s the men that message and think that they’re very charming, who feel for whatever reason they actually do genuinely have a lot to offer. Usually money and experience on the scene. The trouble with these messages is that they come with an undertone of being better, than me, than anyone I know, than the whole universe. Oh I lucky I am that they’ve chose to message little old me! Imagine all the things I could learn if I just ditched my partner and my friends, not to mention my child and just ran off into their dungeon with them. No. No and did I mention NO!
I am not an idiot. I don’t lose a handful of brain cells every times I take a picture of my bum. If I did I’d be a cabbage by now because I take a lot of bum selfies! Why do I do that? Because it’s fun and because I like my bum, and I like to show it off. The list of people who can touch it, or make assumptions about it though? That is a damn small list. One person has free reign over it, and a handful of other people would be allowed friendly access to it if they asked and I consented. All of these people I have known for years. I trust them. I know them. I feel safe with them.
Strange man I have never met. I don’t know you. I don’t trust you. I don’t even know if I would like you if we met. That is why I find your lewd comments and sexual assumptions so offensive.
This is part of the reason Bakji started the podcast, and why I so eagerly joined him in his endeavour. We know that all the guys who message me (and nearly every other woman on Fetlife and similar sites) are really just looking to find a partner, someone to live out their fantasies with and that’s okay. That’s what Bakji and I do together. Get sexy and live out our dirty thoughts. We really want other people to be doing that too, just not with me. So I know this sounds really ranty and like I’m truly evil, but it comes from a good places. Guys, please stop with the messages that will get you nowhere, instead get to a munch and find real life people to converse with and who knows one day soon you might actually get some kinky action in your life.