Alternative Lifestyles / bdsm / fetish / kink / love / passion / Relationships / sex / sexuality

When Normal Supports The Unconventional

As I mentioned briefly in my last blog post, myself and Bakji are a few months off having been intimately involved for 2 years. I must admit when we first started spending time together I didn’t envisage us being involved for much more than a few months. Not because I wasn’t into him, I really, really was. However, I was in strange place with relationships generally and his views were staunch and well publicised each time we met, I honestly felt that at some point our needs would be too different to continue. Here we are though, not a couple of months, but a couple of years later, I sometimes wonder how exactly have we made it this far.

We had a somewhat awkward moment last weekend though, that made me realise how important some things we do together are to me, and how they have helped things grow between us.

I will give brief version of the awkward scenario, just for giggles, before I move on to my main points. There we were, house sitting for my Dad & his girlfriend, about 30 minutes after the end of a pretty intense scene. Kinky stuff all over the place, both half naked, mid-way through getting dressed, when there’s a noise at the door. My dad, who has never once returned early from these trips, is indeed early, by about 4 hours. Cue me answering the door in my leggings and bra, trying to explain why they can’t come into their own house.

‘There’s stuff everywhere’ I say, emphasising the word stuff, praying my dad will get that I mean my weird stuff. But no …

‘We don’t care about that’ he says looking perplexed.

Without another thought i just blurt out ‘Bakji’s naked’.

Which actually works, they realise what they’ve stumbled into and go off for a coffee while we gather ourselves together. Like teenagers who’ve just been caught ‘doing it’, we hurriedly hid all our kinky wares, including removing some very kinky looking shiny black palette wrap from a gym bench. I did however have to explain why I had a gym bench in my car at a later point! Then once that was all done, Bakji headed back to his, I headed off to pick my son up from his Dad’s, and just like that normal life took over.

That evening I felt at a bit of a loss, I always miss Bakji when we’re apart, but saying proper goodbyes and receiving as many hugs as possible before parting make the pangs of missing him much easier. I realised then how important some of our ‘normal’ is facilitating what is a fairly unconventional relationship in some people’s views.

As I’ve touched upon before, and is probably obvious from above we don’t live together, and neither of us have any intentions of doing so in the future. There are a few other things we don’t do that I always considered not only normal for relationships, but things you had to do to validate your relationship, such as:

  • We don’t see each other every day
  • We don’t do family events together
  • It took a long time for the words ‘relationship’ & ‘couple’ to come into play
  • We still don’t use girlfriend/boyfriend
  • Though not currently actively poly, we’re not monogamous either, though that is less of a factor for me than it is for Bakji

I am very open with everyone I know about my life. So all my friends and family know I have a Bakji in my life, and it takes about one mention of him for them to realise what kind of relationship we have. So when I then start explaining the finer details they tend to get very confused. They don’t understand how I can be happy with what they see as deficiencies, purely because they would seek more time or need more clarity in their own personal relationships.

What I have come to realise in my time with Bakji though is that having the things I need to have, is far more important to me than having the things people think I should have. I don’t need a live in partner or someone to wear the boyfriend label, what I want is someone who makes me happy and will go on adventures with me, I want to be passionate about them and I want more than anything to be a positive presence in their life.

I never really thought about why I’m happy doing things the way we do though, especially as it is so different to how I’ve done things before. I think what it boils down to though, is the things we do that support our relationship and help it grow, they keep me from needing to ask for those more conventional things out of fear or insecurity. Not that I’m saying that’s why other people do those things, but in my current situation I think it’s an accurate reflection for me.

I’m also not trying to claim I’m never insecure either, but that is probably a blog post for another day. However on the whole, I’m secure enough to be happy in what we have. But this weekend has definitely shown me that without the positive things we do to reinforce what we have, things would probably be very different.

I don’t find physical affection that natural to engage in, Bakji however is the exact opposite, and I’ve recently realised just how much I need the hugs and the physical closeness, when those things are absent, even if I’ve spent the whole day with Bakji, I miss him terribly, in a way that starts to feel unmanageable because it will manifest into other more unwelcome feelings. So I’m grateful that he is always ready to ply me with hugs and kisses, and that I am I hope getting better at initiating these things myself.

I’ve also become quite fond of our daily messages, and our good mornings and goodnights. This isn’t something we sat down and decided we should do, it just seems to have evolved organically. That daily contact though, makes me feel connected to him in a way I wouldn’t if we just caught up on things at the weekend. I like hearing about his day, and telling him about mine.

I never really thought about those little things before and about what they meant to me. How important those normal everyday actions are in supporting us navigate our slightly less conventional relationship, and I’m so grateful for all those little things.

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