When I started this blog, I had a very specific reason for doing so. A reason that I have quietly shied away from, which has been easy because there are so many other things to discuss that are far more comfortable for me to open up about. Initially, a big part of the blog was meant to be about polyamory, and more precisely the transition from being a monogamous person into someone who was more open to other relationship styles.
I wanted to do this because out of all the things I have encountered since joining the BDSM community, this particular change is the hardest for me. Now I’m probably making it sound like I am doing all of the poly living. I’m really not, I’ve done a lot less of it than I imagined I would. What I have done though is lots of thinking, reading, listening, worrying and contemplating and I’m not sure any of that has got me any further along.
Some days I think it would just be easier to not try and open myself up to a polyamorous lifestyle. But then I think to myself, nothing worth having ever came easily, right? So maybe I just need to understand what it means for me when I talk about polyamory. This is where it becomes tricky though because it means I need to be honest and open with myself.
This is the point where I begin to struggle, I don’t even know how to start this next paragraph. Do I deal with the emotional or the physical first? Is one easier to untangle than the other? Or is understanding one crucial to understanding the other? This is the cycle I seem to constantly be stuck in. A never-ending circle of thoughts but no answers.
I can’t really imagine being ‘in love’ with more than one person at a time. I’ve read so many accounts of how this works for people, and brain still goes; ‘Nope, not me, can’t do it.’ Obviously, I can handle managing different types of love. I love my son, I love my friends and family, I still love my ex, in a very unique way because he is the Father of my child. Romantic love though, that feels like a one spot only kind of love to me and if that vacancy is filled, I don’t have that to offer another person.
That doesn’t mean I don’t have other types of affection to offer though, does it? Would whatever level of affection, or non-romantic love be enough for someone in a poly scenario though?
In terms of being polysexual! Well, who knows. I’m not overly comfortable with forming new sexual connections outside of an already developed dynamic, I guess old habits die hard and it would feel like some sort of betrayal. Even if a partner was saying go for it. I don’t think I can get my head around that not upsetting the applecart, so to speak. I also have no idea what the appropriate response is to a partner starting a physical relationship with someone new. I’m guessing nauseous would not be the best response, even if it is the most likely.
It’s not looking good is it? I don’t think I’m making a great case for my ability to poly well. So would a better term be non-monogamous or am I making petty distinctions in an effort to prove I can do this somehow.
I think if I didn’t have BDSM thrown into the mix, poly would hold much less appeal. For example, I don’t think I can be monogamous and tie multiple people in rope or be tied by multiple people. While the rope I do isn’t inherently sexual, it does lend itself well to sexiness and intimate connections, and I think for me that is a really enjoyable part of rope that I’d one day like to explore with others.
I’m also more comfortable in my mind with BDSM activities being embraced by people outside of any established dynamics, without that accompanying feeling of nausea and insecurity washing over me. So maybe this is my starting point.
Can my romantic, sexual and BDSM connections fall in different places of the relationship styles spectrum? Answers on a postcard, please!