In my last post I wrote about limits, and how people can find a partner to push their limits and help them discover new realms of BDSM. Some comments I’ve seen on this very subject, though not on my actual blog post, got me thinking about this subject a little more. Though on a more personal level.
The comments that triggered me to think on this subject a little more, were comments based on someone having ‘no limits’. Now it’s not my place to delve into that matter with an individual unless I am going to be playing with them myself. In which case, if presented with a ‘no limits’ partner I’d still have a ton of questions. I’d never take that at face value, but that might just be me.
Then it got me thinking about whether or not I’d ever want to be a in a position to be able to say I was a ‘no limits’ player, which often seems to be a real source of pride. While it is absolutely fine for other people, if that is their inclination, I’m actually really proud of having limits. Now if that sounds a little odd, then bear with me. While my actual limits don’t themselves make me proud, my ability to state I have them, deviate from them if I fancy, and put them back in place if needed, actually does make me pretty proud of myself.
When I first got in BDSM, I had no real idea what I was doing or what I was after and as a result I did some things that looking back were either, unwise, unsafe or just plain unpleasant. I’m not ashamed to say I let my BDSM needs rule my head for a little while, I’d love that to not be the case, but I’d rather own up to it so anyone in the same boat knows they’re not alone. So the fact that I’m now in a position to outline my limits and expect a play partner to respect them shows how far I’ve come.
One of the things I absolute hate, is being ignored, and I will never forget someone I was briefly involved with citing my apparent lack of enthusiasm as a reason for punishment and proceeding to ignore me for the majority of the day via whatsapp when they’d normally be all over it. It was a defining moment for me in terms of not caring whether or not they wanted to continue playing with me. I am now very clear that for me that is not an acceptable way for anyone to treat me. If someone has a burning desire to have a partner they can ignore then they would certainly not be the partner for me.
Luckily for me, Bakji is a very respectful and considerate play partner, which means he has the privilege of any limits I have being up for discussion if they were something he was massively keen on exploring. Though thankfully he hasn’t got a burning desire for coffin play, because I’m not entirely sure that is one I can overcome. However one of my previous limits was masks, mostly full face ones, or hoods that covered the entire face. There was a time at a party once where I turned round and Bakji was wearing a gas mask and I honestly felt a bit queasy. So he very kindly said he wouldn’t wear that kind of thing while I was about.
However, as considerate as Bakji is, I can’t expect the entire Fetish scene not to wear hoods and masks. As I started going to more Fetish clubs I was confronted with more and more people wearing masks and hoods. Even browsing sites such as Fetlife and Instagram will confront you with images of this fairly regularly, and over time I just seemed to become desensitized to it. Now getting Bakji into some kind of hood or gas mask is really all the fun. Mostly because stripping him of his senses and his ability to breathe freely is so much fun. This goes to show that things can and do change.
I’m really pleased I allowed myself the space to change my mind. Mostly because I’ve changed my mind about so many things within BDSM, not doing so would have left me feeling a little frustrated I think. There is so much to explore within BDSM, I think the odd limit changing here and there is likely for many people. I don’t think there should be any pressure to do so though, or to tackle every limit you have in an effort to be limitless.
At the end of the day we need to be as personally responsible as we can be when engaging in BDSM, whether it is with a long term partner or a new partner, and I think being able to express comfortably and with confidence about where our limits lie is a crucial part of keeping ourselves in a position where the BDSM we take part in doesn’t have an adverse effect on our emotional or physical well-being.