In my last blog post, I mentioned that I would soon be doing a piece on labels, and how I feel about them. For the record, I mean labels like ‘Dominant, masochist & little’. Not labels you find on tins of beans or ketchup bottles. I’m afraid you’ll have to go elsewhere for your food label fetish needs. This isn’t quite that blog post, but I am going to talk about one of the many labels that could be used to describe me. Switch.
I’m still not entirely sure I’ve accepted fully that I am a switch. All the evidence points to the fact I am. However, it has been a surprise to me how much I love being on the dominant side of the D/s dynamic. So it’s still something I am processing, and I am learning more and more about how to Top and the ways in which I enjoy Topping every day. Putting these thoughts aside for the moment though, I want to talk about what I love about switching. Not in general terms but in the personal ways I’ve experienced it.
I’ve always known that Bakji was a switch. Even though I initially assumed he was a sub. Watching someone get their bum whipped will do that to a newbie who hasn’t thought past people being Dominant or submissive. However when he made his Toppy intentions clear, the submissive in me jumped at the chance to play with him. I think I’ve said this once or twice before, but in case anyone missed it, he’s bloody gorgeous and he wanted to do Shibari fun with me, my Princess Parts were beyond excited.
It never occurred to me that his submissive side would impair his ability to be a good Top. Unfortunately, this is a school of thought some people on the scene still have. I have never been able to figure out that logic. If anything I think the fact he enjoys both aspects of D/s made him a better Top for me.
Even though I had an inkling that Bakji would like to try switching with me, I was so grateful to him that he never pushed the matter when I declared myself out of the running when it came to Topping. I knew deep down it was something that interested me, but less than successful previous attempts made me feel like I couldn’t and wouldn’t do it. That didn’t stop me finding what he enjoyed as a submissive interesting. Whenever he spoke about what he was or wasn’t into I listened carefully. Just in case the time ever came where I was brave enough to give Topping a go.
I don’t remember what the turning point was in my wanting to Top him. All I know is that time and time again I’d look at him all manly and sexy, and I wanted to know what it would be like to to see another facet of who he is. When he Tops me he is steely-eyed and determined, he can melt me in a second and I love every minute of it. When he subs though, his eyes sparkle, with a playful eagerness. He comes to me with promises of submissive rebellion, and he puts up a good fight, usually, until he gives in and that moment, where his body language shifts and he looks at me like he can’t see anything else, that moment is glorious.
I always thought there was nothing that would make me as vulnerable to someone as submitting, whether it be sexually, or as a masochist or as a rope bottom. When I submit in those ways I am indeed vulnerable, but subbing shows sides of me that I am used to showing and a side that people have more often than not embraced. When I Top Bakji though I am starting to show and enjoy sides of myself I have never quite been able to be proud of. That makes me feel far more vulnerable than anything I’ve ever done when subbing has. To have him enjoy and encourage me as a Top, without criticizing or causing negative thoughts has been really liberating.
Another thought that was challenged when I started Topping was that it was my submissive side that got caught up in feelings. Sometimes I surprise even myself with the ridiculous things I think. I held my subby side fully responsible for ‘the feels’, all adoring and eager to please. Clearly, I thought, it’s the submissive in me that controls the emotions too. So imagine my horror, when I noticed that after a good old Toppy session those feelings increased tenfold. That the level of adoration I felt for Bakji didn’t decrease or even stay the same, instead it skyrocketed.
The fact he is willing to put his trust in me as I learn, and experience new things is really lovely, and just one of the many reasons I am so taken with him. He is full of ideas and knowledge of what kinky things he enjoys, and he is happy to share those things with me and allow me to use that information to plan and play out kinky scenes. It has given me the opportunity to try new things and discover new likes. Some things we have discovered we enjoy together, where previously our interest was minimal or non-existent and that has also been a lot of fun.
It’s nice to know though that if I suddenly get the urge to come over all subby, Bakji knows just which buttons to press to make that happen and these past few months of Topping him haven’t had an effect on how much I love subbing for him. The thrill of his hand against my throat is not minimised because I now know the pleasure of my own hand pressed firmly to his neck. If anything it’s all become more fun. Everything feels amplified for knowing the other side of the slash is still there to be enjoyed. Also as I once saw someone say on Instagram, ‘Payback’s a bitch when you play with a Switch.’ Which is so very true, when you know that whatever you give out will come back to bite you on the bum (quite literally if your partner is into biting), it gives an edge to play that I really enjoy.
I think the final thing I enjoy about switching is again a personal thing and may not apply to everyone, but I like the fact it removes a certain amount of pressure to be one thing or another. It allows me to flow fluidly day by day. I spent a long time feeling I had to be one a certain way, or make certain choices, both in kink or in non-kink life. Switching allows me to let go of all the shoulds, and shouldn’ts, which is more beneficial to me than I could have realised before I gave it a go.
You can hear further discussions on switching by listening to Bakji and I on episode 47 of ProudToBeKinky.