Every now and again via one medium or another that I regularly frequent, I will have some ask me for advice. First off I am touched that they think I seem like I have enough knowledge or experience to assist them, and second of all, I really can only offer my own personal perspective on any situation. So while I am more than happy to offer my advice to anyone who pops up in my inbox, please bear in mind that when I have my own problems I have to go elsewhere for advice, so, unfortunately, I don’t have all the answers, nor do I claim to.
Today’s question, which I am going to paraphrase, is: How can I find a Dom/sub who will push my limits and take me into new realms of BDSM explorations?
Let’s deal with some definitions first, for anyone reading and wondering what the heck I’m talking about. Limits equate to, what someone will not do (Hard Limit), what someone is hesitant to do (Soft Limit). If you are playing with someone who is safe and respectful these will be adhered to at all times. If you are currently playing with someone and they are ignoring your limits then please stop playing with them.
Anyway, back to the question at hand. When searching for the elusive Dom/sub for you, you might need to be very patient. When you take into account that only a small portion of the population is into BDSM. Then factor in the fact that when you get to the scene many of them may be in relationships or not actively seeking a partner for other reasons. Out of the small number of people that are left that could possibly be a match for you, not only do you need to have interests that align but you also need to have some attraction and chemistry between the two of you.
Say all those conditions play to your advantage though, and you meet someone who you fancy the pants off and they feel the same about you, so you’ve talked a lot and you’ve discovered you have similar kinks and fetishes. If in that instance your thinking ‘Brilliant! Let the limit pushing commence’, you may be disappointed.
People have limits for a reason and those reasons are vast and varied. Some of the reasons may be similar to these:
- They have no knowledge of that particular kink
- They are simply not aroused by it
- It may be a trigger for them
- They might think it’s ‘icky’, the squick factor should not be underestimated.
- They may have had a poor experience with it in the past
When you think about the reasons people have their limits, the idea of then pushing them past those limits becomes tricky. They have to be 100% receptive to wanting that limit pushed, and if you are a sub wanting a Dom to push your limits, they need to be willing to tread waters that could get a bit murky.
That’s not to say many of us don’t push our limits willingly, or find our limits have shifted as our relationships have developed. We definitely do, I think most people involved in BDSM for any length of time find themselves enjoying something they once thought wasn’t for them.
If however you have something you really want to explore, and just cannot wait to do so and you can’t envisage ever meeting anyone who will engage in your particular kink with you, then Pro-Dommes may well be your answer. By no means am I saying that this is the answer for everyone. However, I do think Pro-Dommes offer a really valuable service to the BDSM community. Not that this is necessarily an easy win. You still need to find someone you gel with, and who offers the type of Domination you require. It may well be a speedier path to self-discovery than waiting until you meet someone at a munch for example.
I also think it’s important to know why you want your particular limits pushed, in what way you want them pushed and if it’s even possible. Just because we’d like to do something, doesn’t mean we can. Sometimes there are physical and/or emotional barriers to exploring a particular kink that shouldn’t be ignored or pushed past. Even if that isn’t the case for you, it may be the case for someone you’re playing with so it is always worth bearing in mind.
Myself and Bakji have been playing together for a little over 18 months, neither of us has handed the other a list of limits that we want to be pushed. Neither of us has felt like the play wasn’t worthwhile if that wasn’t happening. What we have done though is spoken openly and honestly about what we really enjoy, what we’re not that into and what our limits are. As time has gone on and our trust in each other has built, the kinks and fetishes that are available to us enjoy have definitely expanded.
For example when we first started playing together any play involving feet wasn’t really on my radar, however, since I began Topping using my feet as part of our scenes is quickly becoming one of my favourite things to do. However, that is very specific to Bakji. I’ve never really liked my feet being touched, for personal reasons I won’t bore you with. So while limits can change, like many things in BDSM they are fluid, and they can be put back in place at any given point.
It’s also worth noting that just because you’ve seen someone indulging in a manner of play with someone else, and then if they choose to play with you that specific act is cited as a limit, that is totally acceptable and not at all uncommon. It comes back to the gaining of trust. That other person might have spent weeks, maybe months working on that particular kink or scene with someone. Nobody gets to come along and demand or expect that same level of play or interaction until they too have put in the required time into that person.
I think the biggest factor in what has made me reconsider what limits I have with Bakji is the fact he has invested in me as a person. So I know that even if one of my hard limits was one of his favourite things, while he might be disappointed it would absolutely be okay, and we would focus on all the other things we both enjoy.
So in summary, my top tips for finding someone to push your limits are:
- Be patient
- Build trust
- Be honest & open (with yourself & your partner)
- Invest in your partner (remember they are a person, not a Fetish Delivery Service)
- Give as much as you take
- Start small. Some things are easier to tackle than others.
If you’d like to hear more about limits, it was the topic for myself and Bakji during episode 16 of ProudToBeKinky.