Image via Pixabay.
So I have previously written about my kinky coming out, and it has been so well received, I thought that I would write a little something about the sexuality side of things too.
In July 1987 Scott and Charlene got married on neighbours, bare with me, I promise that is relevant. To anyone who can remember that far back, and I’m sure some of my blog readers are too young or too cool to remember, it was a storyline that captured viewers hearts and put Kylie Minogue and Jason Donovan into the public eye. By the time I was 4, their music careers were well underway and they released ‘Especially For You’ and I could have wet myself with happiness because I was absolutely enamoured with both of them. In equal measure for the same reasons. I assumed in my youthful innocence that because it was how I felt that it was entirely normal to find both sexes of equal interest.
I thought this for a very long time. Much longer in fact than I think it would have taken most people to realise there were different sexualities at play in the world. One of the first same-sex couples I encountered must have got together when I was about 5. One of the ladies in the couple had previously been married to a man. Then a few years after that she was living with a woman and they were very happy. I grew up thinking how very normal that seemed. She loved one person, they stopped their romantic relationship but remained friends, and she developed a romantic and loving relationship with someone else. The fact she’d gone from a man to a woman, really didn’t phase me. I realise now though that a lot of people around her probably wondered what on earth she was doing, especially as I now know she has never formally announced her sexual orientation. Because that confuses people more than anything.
People like labels and that is no different when it comes to sexuality. In fact, it’s probably more important for people when it comes to sexuality. Are you gay or are you straight? That the question most people want to know the answer to. When you answer with anything other than those two options people get a little bit ruffled. The first time I comfortably decided to use the term bisexual was when I joined the kink scene. Up until then I just let people decide for me.
When I was 16 I fell madly in love with a girl at school, she reciprocated in some small way and for a short while we had some involvement with each other. Here’s the thing though, girls gossip, and I went to an all-girls school. So I don’t think there was anyone in my school year who didn’t know what was happening. Pair this with the fact I was totally obsessed with Mel C and wore an ‘I ♡ Mel C’ badge on my prefect sash, I became know as ‘that lesbian girl’. I knew I wasn’t a lesbian, I also knew I wasn’t straight. I also knew that saying ‘actually I’m Bi-sexual’ would cause me a world of irritation I just couldn’t be bothered with at 16. So I just let people decide I was a lesbian and went along with it.
When I was 19 I broke off a relationship with a girl I had been seeing quite some time and fell instead into the bed of an Australian fella, who offered me absolutely nothing except my first foray with a cock. While I didn’t exactly have the best sex of my life with him, it did at least confirm that I was indeed into dudes as well. He was in and out of my life fairly quickly, which paved the way for me meeting the man who would become my now ex-husband. It also meant another switch in sexual identity. Anyone who knew of my previous relationships with females assumed I’d gone through a phase, found myself a good man and was now straight.
All along I knew it was irrelevant that he was a man, I loved him not because of what he had in his pants but because of who he was. He made me laugh and he made me feel secure and wanted, we had dreams together that I’d never had alone and I loved him for that. I was in that relationship for 10 years and married for a fair chunk of that time. So in many cases, it never came up that I was also attracted to females.
When my marriage ended, I had a brief dalliance with another woman and let some people at work know this, as I’d also let them know about my interest in BDSM, and some of the comments I got where, shortsighted, shall we say. The one that sticks in my mind most is ‘I didn’t know you were like that’, I never really got to the bottom of what ‘like that’ really entailed. That comment came from the same person who called me a ‘free loving hippy’ over another matter and I think that was meant to be derogatory, but I rather took it as a compliment. So I don’t think her understanding of broader strands of life is very good.
Other than this recent ‘coming out’ at work, my actual experience in sitting people down and saying ‘hey I’m into all the people’ is pretty much non-existent. I told my cousin when I was 16, and she was really supportive, both of the same-sex relationship I was in, and later of my relationship with my ex-husband. 10 years after we’d had that conversation about me, she confided she was, in fact, gay herself. She had always known, but for her own reasons hadn’t been ready to admit it. It made me incredibly sad that she hadn’t been ready before then, that it took her until she was 30 to come to terms with her sexuality. It makes me sad, that the world needs those labels so badly, that people have to make decisions where sometimes there are no decisions to be made or feel like they can’t embrace who they are unless they can stick a label on it. Instead of just saying ‘I’m me, and right now I’m into that person’.
My dad knows I’m Bisexual, no idea how can’t remember ever actually saying the words. He seems cool with it though, as he is with most things, so it’s never really been an issue to discuss as such. Which is an attitude I hope to continue with my own child.
As a mother I have been asked more times than I can believe is necessary in these modern times, what would I do if my son came home and said he was gay. Well, first of all, I’m hoping that we will have an open and honest relationship that will make a big announcement null and void. But whether he brings home Paul or Polly or both at the same time, so long as he’s happy and safe and respectful of himself and others I honestly have zero concerns about who he chooses to invite into his bed. Unless they upset him, then gender won’t be an issue as they will be in for a world of pain if Mama Floss gets hold of them.
I’ve written this using largely male, female, bisexual, straight and gay/lesbian. Predominantly because as I was growing up that was how it was always presented to me. Since I have joined the kink scene I have learnt a vast amount about gender and sexuality and I absolutely appreciate I have provided a somewhat narrow view of things. But it portrays my experience and that’s currently what I’m writing about.
I’ve also been asked previously if I state bisexual as my sexual orientation because I am only interested in cis-gendered males and females. The reason I choose bisexual over say pansexual is that it took me such a very long time to accept and use any label, and at the time of me finally feeling settled and confident as a bisexual woman I hadn’t yet learnt that the spectrum of sexuality had grown somewhat. In real terms, there probably is a lot more to my sexuality than fancying men and women, but as with most things in life, it’s all about evolving and learning, both of which I am most definitely still doing.
You can hear me discussing more thoughts on being bisexual on episode 48 of ProudToBeKinky.