On the most recent episode of #ProudToBeKinky myself and Bakji invited some friends on to do a guest episode on their dynamic. I won’t go into too much details about that here, as they explain it far better themselves in the podcast, the reason we invited them on though was to talk about their Mistress & slave dynamic.
While I certainly know other people who engage in a 24/7 dynamic or have a high protocol D/s relationship. Chatting to our guests certainly made me reflect upon how my personal feelings have changed towards whether or not I would like that kind of dynamic for myself.
When I first joined Fetlife, but before I had joined the Fetish scene I identified as submissive. When I looked around Fetlife it appeared from the posts I read and the pictures I saw, that the ultimate goal for any submissive was to be owned and collared. I didn’t really know what that meant to me. I had no idea what factors would have to be in place for me to be happy in that scenario, or if indeed it would work for me at all. However, in my naivety I figured it must be what I wanted because it seemed to be ‘the norm’.
Looking back I realise how daft that was. I also know that a 24/7 dynamic would not work for me, in any way shape or form. I can’t even please myself 24/7, let alone someone else. I realise that even in 24/7 dynamics people still go to work, have off days, raise children and still manage their dynamic quite happily. But I know for me I just couldn’t. Mostly because I couldn’t handle a marriage under those circumstances, so I don’t think the addition of BDSM would suddenly work miracles.
Once I joined the Fetish scene, I got to see more dynamics at play, and got to meet more people who all experience their kinks in a variety of ways. I started to realise that I had a lot to discover about myself and a lot of kinky things to explore before I made any hard and fast decisions about labels & roles.
I decided to remove my ‘submissive’ role from Fetlife, partly because I hated all the messages filled with assumption that came with being an unowned submissive on Fetlife, and partly because I didn’t want to pigeonhole myself. I had seen a lot of people shift in terms of how they identified and I wanted to give myself the room to do that too.
Since then I’ve discovered I do in fact enjoy Topping, to the point that identifying as predominantly submissive is now unlikely. I’m going to do another blog post soon about my kink orientation so won’t going into detail about where I fall on the spectrum in this post. I will say though that I don’t think I could have learnt what I have about myself without shedding the submissive label and without removing all my expectations of future relationships.
I think like many people joining the scene I had this romantic notion of how my life as a Kinkster would pan out. In reality kinky life is as regular as non-kink life in many ways, just with spankings and rope. I didn’t find a wealth of perfect Dom’s and submissives that never put a foot wrong. What I didn’t find though was lots of really wonderful people, some Dominant, some submissive, some that identify as neither. Shock horror, you can be kinky and not identify as Dominant or submissive. Who knew! What all these people have in common though is that they’re doing kink their way and none of them really care how other people are doing their kink, so long as they are being risk aware and carrying out their kinks consensually.
I realised that what I needed to do was do kink my way and find out what worked for me. Luckily I have gotten to do that while playing with Bakji who knows himself pretty well. From the moment we met he was self-assured and had all his kinky ducks in a row. Which whether intentional or not has given me the conditions I needed to figure some of my own kinky gubbins out. He has never placed expectations on me, and has never made me feel like there was any need for me to be anything other than myself.
So that’s what I’ve done, I’ve spent time being myself, while also being kinky. Turns out that works pretty well for me, and I’m actually really happy with that being where I’m at. I’m happy to enjoy my kinky life without trying to strive to have the dynamics other people have.
I think it can be really easy, especially when you’re new to the kink scene, to get weighed down by all the labels, dynamics and protocols that are available. I don’t think anyone would judge a person for not knowing right away what worked for them, or changing their mind on where they’re at. Especially as you meet more people, I think the people we meet and the friends we make have a huge influence on who we become as not only a kinkster, but as a person.
I count my lucky stars that I have met good, and kind people, who have given me a safe environment in which to grow. That includes people like the guests on the podcast episode that inspired this piece, because without people who are willing to openly share and discuss their own kinks and fetishes, it would be impossible for the rest of us to learn and grow.
So to anyone new to the scene, or to anyone feeling like they no longer fit their chosen kink label; don’t panic, don’t have a meltdown and don’t run away. Take a deep breath, find a good kinky friend to confide in and just be yourself.