This week on #ProudToBeKinky myself and Bakji had a little chat about ‘Why Is No-one Into My Kink?’. A question that I see on Fetlife on a daily basis. The short answer is ‘Someone is into your kink, but asking random people to do said kink with you isn’t the way to get some kinky action.’
This doesn’t seem to happened to men as often, but women can quite often end up feeling like they are seen as some sort of Fetish delivery service. Just because a woman identifies as Dominant doesn’t mean she wants to whip some random guy’s bum just because he likes the look of her from her pictures. Chances are that particular woman might still like to get to know a guy first, maybe she really likes funny guys, or confident guys, or maybe and this is a crazy idea, maybe she wants to be wanted for more than the fact she owns a whip and a set of ropes she knows how to use!
For some reason once we throw being kinky into the mix some people seem to completely forget about the natural laws of attraction. Just because you’re into foot worship and so is someone else, doesn’t mean you will automatically have the chemistry to get it on. Being attracted to someone on other levels still matters. Don’t get me wrong I think finding a partner whose kinks match with yours makes for a very happy and sexually fulfilled life. But kinks can evolve over time, and covering the basics first seems just as important to me.
On a personal level when I first met Bakji, we filled out ‘the BDSM Checklist’ which was devised by our friend MasterMHatter as part of his book Virtually Yours. The things I was open to in the first few months of us being together were nowhere near as extensive as the things we now do together. We focused on the things we did both enjoy though, and over time as I got know Bakji better, developed a good level of trust in him and grew in confidence within the safe and fun environment we created together the list of kinks we could experience together grew.
If he’d played it like some people do on the scene though, he would have noticed all the things he liked and I didn’t and given up at the first hurdle. Lucky for me he sees things a little differently though and was absolutely willing to put the effort into being a man I could actually desire and enjoy my times with, instead of just telling me what I could do for him. The result of his approach? I am really enthusiastic about doing everything I can for him.
For anyone reading this thinking ‘yeah, but I’m looking for a D/s relationship, so I should be telling that sub girl what she can do for me’ or ‘but I’m looking for a Mistress so I need show my best grovelling skills’. No and no! Kinky people are still people, we still need to laugh and have fun, or know we can rely on someone when we’ve had a bad day. We are all multi-faceted people, so to have a fulfilling relationship, we need an equally multi-faceted partner.
If you’re reading this and you’ve maybe been to a munch or two, and have sent out loads of messages on Fetlife and still have had no joy in finding the crop wielding Mistress of your dreams you will probably be shouting at me through your computer asking what the hell you should be doing then seeing as I’m such a self-righteous know it all. Well lucky for you I’m going to tell you.
My top tips for finding someone into your kink:
- Be a person first, kink role second – sub guys, super hot, especially if they’re also confident and have their shit together. Sub guys who constantly whimper & whine about not getting any action, not so hot.
- Go to munches, over and over and over again until you have made some friends, and when I say friends I mean platonic, yet kinky friends, who will know other kinky people & may one day introduce you to the partner of your kinkiest, filthiest dreams.
- Do not send unsolicited messages saying things like ‘hey ur sexy, I wont to be u slave’ or ‘you’re pretty, let Sir cum on your face’ and whatever you do, do not send a dick pic! Dick pics are the social media version of a flasher in a flasher mac. Nobody wants to see that. (Well except the girl I knew in school who dated the local flasher, after he flashed her, but this is very, very rare). I don’t know any girls hooking up with a guy after a dick pic was sent.
- Don’t make someone feel like you’re only there for what they can offer you. Yes it might be attractive that they are adept at ropework, or impact play, but someone noticing you’re kind or clever can be really nice too.
- I’ve had messages from guys saying they’d doing anything for me to be their Mistress. Instead of being flattered I just think they sound foolish. They don’t know me at all, I could be into some seriously nasty and dangerous stuff, and my ‘anything’ could lose them a precious appendage. So appearing to be selective & like you have some personal code of conduct does help. Actually being selective and having a personal code of conduct even better.
- If you’re a Dom don’t presume that every sub girl is going to be hot for you and definitely don’t presume that her being a submissive make her your submissive. Those are two very different distinctions Any Dom who has used language that implies ownership without me knowing him goes straight into my douche pile.
I know I might sound a tad ranty, but my inbox is full of messages from people either trying to get me to be their Fetish delivery system, pictures of guys dicks, or of quite frankly pathetic, begging messages just pleading for any kind of attention. One guess what I do with all those messages. That’s right, ignore, ignore, ignore. However, if someone send me a nice message with some decent content I will actually reply, because despite what the tone of this blog post might suggest, I’m actually a really nice person.