So technically, I’ve had two coming outs! I’m greedy like that! There’s my ‘I’m not straight’ coming out and my ‘I’m into BDSM’ coming out. On both counts I’m pretty much entirely out of the closet and that closet is now full of Latex, whips and sex toys. So basically opening it takes me to a sexy Narnia.

I’m going to focus on my kinky coming out though as this writing was inspired by the most recent episode of #ProudToBeKinky podcast and kinky coming outs was this weeks topic.

I’m very lucky in many respects. Firstly I have a job that allows me to be open. My work colleagues all know about my proclivities and while none of them are kinky (that they’ve admitted to me yet) they’ve all be very accepting and have asked lots of questions so they have a better understanding of what it is I enjoy.

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The kind of thing I now keep in my kinky closet!

While most questions have been insightful and I’ve really enjoyed covering topics like cross-dressing and D/s with them. Some questions can’t help but make me giggle. My favourite one being ‘so do you know the names of anyone at the parties you go to?’ When explaining that the people I have met on the scene are my friends so of course I know their names, I was met with a look of astonishment and the follow up questions of, ‘so it’s not all masked orgies and secret handshakes?’ Er …. no, not so much. I’ve been on the scene nearly two years and haven’t been to one orgy, be it masked or not. Maybe I’m hanging out in the wrong crowds after all! Where are my orgy invites people!

I’ve also explained to my dad and my ex-partner that I visit Fetish Clubs and go to BDSM parties. My reason for this is more practical. Should anything ever go awry and I or Bakji need to phone and explain there’s been an issue or accident preventing me from getting back home, I don’t want where I am to be a shock. It is a far fetched scenario and I hope a totally unfounded worry. But it was enough of a thought in my head that I decided to have those conversations.

My dad as it happens is probably my greatest supporter. His main worries for me are; am I happy? And am I safe? He knows the answers are a big yes to both so he has moved on to more frivolous questions now. For example, is my latex tight and have I seen many gimps at my parties! He is also open about what his daughter gets up to with his friends, prompting an evening long conversations with his partner and another couple about what Fetish clubs might be like. As open as we are with each other I live in fear of him asking me to take them one day!  

I haven’t really had any negative experiences. However I do think my decision to not tell some people has created a distance between us that can be hard to bridge. My foray into the Kink world also marked a start of many new beginnings for me though, and in some cases I’ve had to make the hard choice of new life over old.

Despite the fact I can often sound quite blasé about my level of openness about my lifestyle, none of the decisions to talk about my interests have been easy. You never know how people will react and you can’t control their opinions of you once they’re in the know. All you can do is be armed with information and be willing to answer many, many questions.

So, if you’re sat reading this thinking that there really are people you would like to open up to about your lifestyle, here are my tops tips for coming out as kinky:

  • Start slow, if you’re polyamorous, a 24/7 slave, living full time in Latex, while earning a living as a cam-girl, that can be a lot for someone to take in.
  • Try to avoid too much scene lingo. Words like rigger, bunny, furry and little take on new meanings once you join the scene. But simple explanations like ‘I enjoy intricate, pretty rope bondage’, actually conveys something that most people with be able to derive meaning from.
  • When talking about things like Fetish clubs, I always focus on how good it is to be able to dress to excess and mix with like minded people. As opposed to pushing the dungeon and play side of things.
  • As previously mentioned be prepared to answer a lot of questions, I have a ‘no question is too personal’ approach and will share as much as someone asks of me. However if talking about the intricacies of your sex life isn’t your bag, then it’s okay to answer questions while still keeping some personal boundaries.
  • People like to know you’re happy, and cared for. Things like impact play, bondage and power exchange don’t scream ‘I am cared for’ for those not in the know. So focusing on the emotional side of BDSM may be of benefit.  
  • Be mindful that people might need time to process. Shock may well give way to understanding, so don’t write people off if they are a bit taken aback at first.

If you’ve just read this and are thinking to yourself that coming out as kinky really isn’t for you, please don’t ever let anyone make you feel bad for that and never let coming out as kinky be anyone’s decision but your own. Out or not, either decision is as valid as the other, and every individual knows which path is right for them.