Break-Ups / Relationships

Have You Considered Your Part …?

Have you considered your part in what happened?

I think this a lot when I hear people declaring how they are the innocent victim in their breakup. Mostly because I’ve been on both sides of the coin, and I know how hurtful it can be to be portrayed as the heartless villain. I also know what it’s like to feel sad and hurt because someone left when I still ached for them. Not once have I vilified a person for not loving me though, or for choosing a different life to what I could offer. At the end of the day we all have the right to live the life we want.

I know when you’re hurting it’s easier to push the blame onto someone else, but actually in my experience it is very rarely all one sided. I would love to be able to wash my hands of blame in the wrong doings of my terminated relationships. It would erase feelings of shame and guilt that I cannot shake. At the end of the day though, I made my choices and I have to accept my part in where those choices led.

When a person is beside themselves with sorrow that their relationship has ended I always assume they must have done everything they possibly could to make it work. However, most of the time when you delve deeper you discover this isn’t the case.

People leave relationships for lots of reasons, some of the reasons I have terminated my own are as follows:

I felt used
I felt controlled
I felt manipulated
I felt worthless
I felt like I was an option not a priority
I felt negatively impacted by the situation the relationship had me in
I felt like no matter what I said, or what I needed nothing could or would change

But predominantly I left because I feel like I deserve to feel cherished and special, I deserve to feel like I matter, and not just when it’s convenient or when it’s easy, but everyday that someone chooses to be with me, because that is what I offer in return.

I don’t need these things to be shown to me in grand gestures, a good morning text, an ‘I miss you’ or a random ‘I saw this and thought of you’ will do it. But if someone fades away from me, if they’re no longer there for my everyday’s then I start to pull away. Because to me, something has changed for them. It may not be something they can control, but unfortunately that doesn’t always help matters.

I don’t think wanting those things for myself is asking too much. Maybe it is though, maybe I’m selfish for wanting the best out of life. Maybe it’s selfish to put my own mental health before anothers. Maybe it’s selfish to have fought so many battles of my own, that I can no longer fight other peoples. Perhaps I am wrong in wanting to surround myself in joy and positivity as much as life will allow.

I’m far from perfect and I make mistakes, but if someone wants me in their life they are damn well going to have to prove it and by the same token if I want to be with someone I will do all I can to be the best I can be for them but if I fail and they walk away, I will accept my part in that decision being made.

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